I was a good mom...

God is so good to put people and information in your life just when you need it! I have been 'exposed' to much info from the moment we began the adoption process. Our process went so quickly that during the whole paperchase and even for most of the first year home, I have just been trying to keep my head above water. The fog has been lifting. I will think it has lifted all the way, then time will pass, and I can see that God is good and merciful to only 'lift the fog' as I am able to handle what I can see. It reminds me of one of my favorite scriptures, 1 Corinthians 13:12.
"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." God fully knows. God fully knows! I cannot completely wrap my brain around that, but I can rest in that. I can trust that one day, I will see it all as He saw it and planned it from the beginning. God is soooo cool!

I cannot say enough about the wonderful things I have been soaking in lately from the Empowered to Connect website. Although it can be messy stuff, it is so refreshing to find that there are others out there who have felt the same way I have been feeling. The following are some excerpts from a blog post that rang so true to me!

"When Russ and I embarked on our adoption journey, we did it with some sense of confidence. We were experienced parents with seven children who seemed to be thriving under our care. We wanted to serve God and, since we were in the thick of raising children, it made sense to expand our parenting to include children who needed families. Besides, we really, really loved kids and it brought joy to our hearts to consider adding more to our family.
At that time, I had been a mother for nineteen years. It was long enough to have made loads of mistakes, but to have overcome many obstacles as well. I was nowhere near being a perfect mother, but I was a “good mom” and I felt pretty confident that my skills, my desire to live for Christ, and my heart for children would carry me through any challenges that would come our way.
Before we even arrived home from Ethiopia with our children, we knew that our lives had shifted in a dramatic way and that we were in for a struggle. Jesus is merciful, however, and we only saw the very tip of a large iceberg. We believe He gave us all that we could bear to know at the time out of His love for us and for our children.
As the months passed and we struggled to parent our children, our belief in ourselves as “good parents” began to fade. Should we press on with the parenting techniques that had served us well for so many years? In the face of so many challenges, which problems should we focus on first? Was it okay to let behaviors that had never been allowed in our home to be accepted now? Should we read more books on adoption? Should we call somebody? Should we keep quiet and hope that nobody would notice that we were falling apart? What should we do?
We didn’t know the answers, but one thing we did know: we were no longer the parents we used to be and as all of our children struggled, we no longer felt like “good parents” at all.
As we travel the long and winding road of healing, I’ve had to redefine what I believe a “good mom” is. I accept that because I fiercely love all of my children, I must parent them differently. Some things I once held as my standard of “good mothering” no longer fit. I grieve these losses, I really do, and I miss the simple days when I thought I knew what it took to be a good mom.
I now have the privilege of knowing many “good moms” who have been reshaped by their experiences of parenting When we adopted our four children, we knew it would be challenging, but we were confident in our ability to help these new little ones. We had years of parenting experience under our belts, and for heaven’s sake, I even had a degree in Psychology from a Christian university. Surely we could handle anything that came our way. We were wrong.
If you find that life with children from 'hard places' has become more than you can bear, I urge you to get help. Don’t wait as long as we did; seek help early. I can say with conviction that it is worth it — it is absolutely worth it.
As Christians we are called to love others, even the very unlovely. Jesus told us that we must lay down our lives to follow Him and if He has called us to the ministry of adoption, then we must lay down our lives for the sake of our children. We must be willing to follow His leading as we seek help for our children even if it comes at a high price to us."

Lisa Qualls, who wrote this post, has been married to her husband Russ for over 26 years. They have 11 children who came to them by both birth and adoption. She earnestly believes in the power of God to heal children’s broken hearts and is privileged to participate in the process with her own children. Lisa writes about her life and family for Empowered to Connect (www.empoweredtoconnect.org) and on her blog, A Bushel and A Peck (www.onethankfulmom.com).


Wow! Even as I read it again, I can't believe how true all of this is for me too! That gives me hope; hope in knowing that just because I am not the same mom does not mean that God cannot still equip me to be a good mom! He called us to this, and He will equip us. I first must stomp on some pride, and admit that what worked before will not necessarily work now. It is also hard on my pride when I have to seek help from others who are parenting children from 'hard places' much more gracefully than I am. Thankfully, however, God has provided me with an incredible support group, and I am only strong when I admit my weaknesses and lean into Him and His provision. Another pride battle comes when I am faced with well intentioned advice from those who don't believe my adopted child should be struggling when she now has such a good life. I used to believe this myself. I used to want to discipline this stuff out of her. No one else could change my mind, and I will not be able to change their minds. And so I must learn how to most gracefully handle and connect with my precious girl, even when she is acting in a less than precious manner. I must learn to parent for an audience of One. I must learn to parent the way He parents me--for my best and to bring Him glory!