Times of Trouble; Times of God; My Times in His Hands

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I haven't blogged in like forever! I just had nothin'! I mean I had thoughts: rambling thoughts, exhausted thoughts, defeated thoughts, and of course, some hilarious thoughts. None of my many thoughts felt blog worthy, until today.... Today, I just have to give up some big ol' blog worthy praise to the Planner of all Planners, the Knower of all Knowers, the Lover of my soul. Thank you Lord for this wonderful summer! Thank you for flashing Yourself right in front of my face all the time and for taking the scales off of my eyes so that I can see you everywhere! It has been quite a season. My life looks quite weird right now. Well, it has probably looked weird for awhile. I am sure it looked weird when we decided to add to our family through adoption. I mean we had the perfect little family--two kids, a boy and a girl, a beautiful home, the so called picture perfect life. (Funny, I typed lie at first, maybe that is more accurate). So, we went out on a limb, we followed God's calling on us, and we brought Kami home. If you know me at all, you know it has been a roller coaster of emotions. Oh, but isn't a roller coaster fun??!!! It is thrilling at times, terrifying at times, and it can take a toll on the body if you are the big 4-0 like me! Well, that sounds about like a ride with the Lord! So to make things even weirder, we start feeling like the Lord is calling us to sell our house. At different times since we first built our house, John or I would think about selling. We never, however, agreed at the same time. Suddenly, we both were in agreement. We have been rolling (quickly downhill) along, paying the bills just fine, but that is it...just paying the bills. Suddenly, to both of us at the same time, just paying the bills seemed less fulfilling and more stress inducing than anything. We have not felt called to adopt again, but I have felt burdened with wanting to help others more, and quite frankly, we just haven't been able to do it. So we just take the plunge and list our house to see what happens. It showed lots-- I mean lots. It was less than fun trying to keep Kami under wraps, Collin and Mallory to all their soccer events, and a clean, show-ready house. Things just didn't magically get easy. There were not bluebirds singing on my windowsill each morning! I was not whistlin' Dixie!!!! I was crying Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen!!!! I was like a sullen teen questioning the authority of God. "Come on, God, you wanted us to adopt. You wanted us to sell our house. Now I have a child throwing the tantrum of all tantrums at all times and disobeying me and pushing her limits at every turn. My back hurts all the time. I feel like my other two children are being neglected at times. I want to sleep like all the time. And I have to keep a perfect house because You told us to sell it! When do we get our break?!" It was not pretty. School let out and our house had not sold. John and I sat on the deck talking one night...maybe we had mis-heard. Perhaps God was just trying to see if we would be obedient. We decided to give it two more weeks since school had just ended and then take down the for sale sign. Are you smirking yet? I know God was probably shaking his head at us. BAM!!!! We got an offer, a good offer, with just one kicker. They wanted to move in quickly and to rent the house for one month before closing. So, there ya go! Just like He arranged for Kami to come home on summer break, He arranged for our house to sell and need to be packed up on summer break. Why, oh why, do I so quickly forget His faithfulness???? So now I am standing on His faithfulness, and singing praises because not only is He faithful, but goodness gracious, He is one heck of a planner. He sure knows the comings and goings of all, right down to the details of how to work out our summer of "homelessness" with our friends' vacation plans! Call it what you want...call it weird, call me crazy, call me a girl keeping herself in trouble. That is ok! I had rather be a girl keeping it chaotic with God on my side than a girl alone!!! We have only had a post office box to call our address since June 24, but God has provided and planned for us to have roofs (or is it rooves?) over our heads each and every one of those nights by sending our friends on their vacations, staggered at just the right times. Seriously! God is so Good!!!! We have some good friends and family too that have been willing to open their lovely homes to us. (And I have had some good gals, the best to listen to me moan and cry and carry on at times!) SO THANK YOU GOD AND THANK YOU OUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY! I am not done being weird though... This life of no roof and little stuff (at least while it is in storage) has been great! Stuff weighs us down!!!! God lifts us up!!!! He is so faithful and good! Now we are looking more like a picture perfect family! Less harried and hounded and more peaceful and joyful. Kami is having an amazing summer. At each transition, she has a little bump, but all in all she has done soooooo well this summer! Collin initially grieved leaving our house, but he has come around and is doing well. To quote him, "I am awesome." This is his newest and too oft repeated phrase regarding himself lately! Mallory is really a tween dream. She is really laid back and good natured. We have some bumps, but they pass quickly, she is a joy of a daughter for me! My husband, my John...I love that man!!! We have been having more laughs and enjoying our nomadic life! And God has it all worked out. He has set out each little morsel of manna just at the exact right moments. We fell in love with a picture perfect move in ready house, put an offer in on it, started feeling ill at ease with it, saw another house, looked at it and saw all the needed work and potential, withdrew our first offer, put in a second offer, negotiated, and are now waiting on the closings for the house we sold and the house God had for us all along. I think I may just look like that house to God--I need quite a bit of work, but He thought I was worth the price, and He will make both beautiful...in His perfect timing!!! But don't be surprised if it looks chaotic and weird and like lots of trouble in the midst of the process....instead, thank the Good Lord for being right there every step of the way and having it all perfectly designed the whole time!

Momma Bear

Although I am sure there have been many, there are only three memorable "Momma Bear" moments that I have had. I hate confrontation and usually avoid it at all costs, but sometimes, especially when it comes to my kiddos, the momma bear just bursts out, leaving me shaking and crying afterwards.

One occasion happened when we were at a playground at the zoo. There was a rock climbing wall of some sort, and the playground was very busy. Collin (3 or 4 yrs at the time) was standing on top of a wall where you could climb down somehow through a little opening. Like I said, it was very busy, and a child came up behind him who was quite anxious to climb through that opening. It was a big drop, or so it seemed to my mommy eyes. Suddenly, something overtook my body and voice, and I was up saying, "Don't push him!" The poor little boy I spoke to burst into tears. I felt horrible and embarrassed the rest of my family. I am telling you though, the force overtook me. I foresaw a danger to my son and some kind of protective thing welled up within me.

Another occasion occurred when Mallory was playing soccer. For her first few seasons, we avoided the local rec leagues, because I was not ready for such competition. She spent her first few seasons playing for church leagues. John grew up on soccer, as a goalie. To Mallory's excitement and pride, she was being put in goal often. I was a wreck every time she was in goal--so much pressure to put on one child (and her mom!) At one game, there were two other mom's from our team standing close to me having dialogue about the game. Suddenly, the ball was in Mallory's hands as she stopped the other team from scoring! She then threw the ball right to the middle towards the opposing team, making it easy for them to score. The two ladies standing by were very excited, and their voice levels were louder. One said, "Why did she do that?!" The other replied, "Because she doesn't know what she is doing!" These ladies were not happy! I had been sitting in a chair with knots in my stomach as always when Mallory was playing goalie. Well, that feeling, that force overcame me again. Before I knew what was happening, I was up and heading towards these ladies, imploring them to be quiet! I said, "Can you hush? That is my daughter you are talking about! We chose a church league for a reason, and we should be encouraging each other, especially our own team!" I felt as if I would throw up and probably had the shakes for an hour after this!

I had a chance to be a momma bear yesterday. I am not sure whether I succeeded or not. This momma bear story involves Kami, hair, and probably racial issues too. Needless to say, this incident was much more complicated and emotional than the above mentioned incidents, and it left me shaken, heart-broken, and angry. I was given pictures of Kami from a few months before I even met her. They are pictures that I don't share too readily. They are hers and part of her history...she can decide how and if she wants to share them. She is bald in these first pictures and obviously sick. There is a set of pictures that came from our adoption agency after we had accepted Kami's referral. In these pictures she is looking much healthier and with some thin sparse hair that had lots of orange/red in it. I was told from a missionary friend that the red tint probably indicated malnourishment (no surprise to us.) When we went to bring Kami home, we found her shaved bald because of a fungal condition on her scalp. Again, no surprise and no huge deal. We brought her home and her hair began growing in, very patchy and very tightly coiled. I have readily sought advice and been given much friendly, but unsolicited advice. It has been good to hear this advice. I eat it up. I have poured over the internet for hours researching African American hair types, products, and styles. I have learned lots, some through success and some through trial and error. That is okay. My main goal, has been to make hair and hair time a positive experience for Kami and myself. Above all, my main goal has been to help her understand that her natural, tightly coiled hair is BEAUTIFUL!!! I have been told that her hair is coarse, that it is brittle, that I should put it in a protective style, that I should not put in in a protective style until it grows more, etc. I have been introduced to sleeping scarves, satin pillowcases, a myriad of oils. I have read about people who use petroleum and mineral oil and people who refuse to use petroleum, mineral oil, and sulfates on their hair. I have learned about how her hair is not to be washed too often and terms that were foreign to me before such as cowash and prepoo. I could go on and on! I have also put into practice and spent precious pennies on most every bit of advice given. Some have worked and some haven't. I failed to follow the advice of wearing a swim cap during pool time. I read and thought rinsing would do the trick. For us, this wasn't the best plan, and I will do better next summer. Kami's hair has filled in and grown. It is not long, but her curls, when stretched out, will surprise you with how much longer her hair is than it appears. Bottom line is, I am really the only one that has my hands in Kami's hair each day to asses what is working and what isn't working. I feel a huge responsibility as her mom to speak into her self image by telling her that she is black and beautiful and that her hair is strong and her coils and kinks are gorgeous. I have done my research and taken my role as her mom very seriously, knowing that in Heaven our skin color and hair types won't matter, but that here in our broken world, unfortunately, it does to many. I am soooo living for the day when we are in Heaven and I can be at peace, away from the labels that we have put on people that will NOT matter in Heaven in the presence of Jesus.

I write the rest of this with my guard up and very hesitantly. I do NOT want to open a can of worms that makes people angry or divided. I just want people to be aware. I want to process through this myself in a healthy, Christ-honoring way. I want to be better prepared to handle future situations because similar situations will probably occur. When Kami was in the care of some trusted people, an African American woman removed her bow and questioned those who were caring for Kami about Kami's hair and me and my care of her. Kami is often mistaken for a boy. For this reason, and because I do love bows, I have chosen to put bows in her hair! It is my business, I am her mother! Later in the day, I encountered this same woman. I was going over to say hello to Kami and give her some momma lovin' when I heard someone ask me if I was her mother. I replied yes, and asked Kami where her bow was. The woman told me I needed some assistance. I began laughing, and I agreed. I have had some good laughs with other African American's about my need for assistance with Kami's hair. Like I said, I have been blessed to not encounter anger and hatefulness until this point. The conversation continued, but with NO smile or NO hint of friendliness from the woman telling me repeatedly that I need some assistance. She went on to say that taking care of a black girl's hair is crucial to her self esteem. I agreed with her, though this did not soften her countenance or tone towards me. She then told me that it is necessary to fix my child's hair everyday and that it will not be pleasant for the child and will probably make her cry, but that is okay and necessary. I informed her that I do fix Kami's hair everyday. (Obviously the way she fixes hair and the way I fix it do differ!) Her surprised reply, "Oh, really?" At this point, my stomach began to hurt, and (yes, I can be slow) I realized this was not a pleasant conversation any longer and more importantly not one that needed to take place in front of my precious baby girl! I walked away...and then it hit. You know when you are suddenly hit with an urge to cry but you are surprised by that need and you don't want to cry in front of the whole world?! So I spoke to someone about what was going on and escaped to cry and briefly deal with this slew of emotions that had taken me by surprise.

I am not sure what all I felt. This was about much more than Kami's hair. Perhaps I am wrong, but this was a judgement call unleashed on me for being a white woman to a black child. There, I said it, and now I feel sick to my stomach. If that is not what it was about, then I apologize and ask forgiveness. I don't want it to be about that! This was a judgement passed on me without knowing me, without knowing my heart and my efforts, without knowing my deep, deep love for this miracle in my life, and without knowing Kami's history. Advice, I will gladly listen to: hatefulness, I will not tolerate! Later in the day, the above mentioned woman came to me to finally smile and introduce herself. She then asked if I wanted her phone number. I took a deep breath and told her, "No, thank you." I calmly shared with her that her previous comments had offended and hurt me. She again offered her phone number, saying that she would be glad to offer assistance. I politley informed her that I had assistance. Her reply, in that surprised tone, "Really?" This momma bear told her that it was exactly that questioning tone that offended me so much because she did not know me or know anything about us or our circumstances and so she should not make judgements about me and/or Kami's hair. Again, she offered her number and again I declined. And again, I smiled on the outside while shaking like a leaf on the inside.

I am thankful and honored to be given the role of being Momma to my three precious children. I am thankful for the protective spirit that our creator has for us and that we, therefore, have for our own children. So watch out world! You don't want to stir up the "Momma Bear!"