I was a good mom...

God is so good to put people and information in your life just when you need it! I have been 'exposed' to much info from the moment we began the adoption process. Our process went so quickly that during the whole paperchase and even for most of the first year home, I have just been trying to keep my head above water. The fog has been lifting. I will think it has lifted all the way, then time will pass, and I can see that God is good and merciful to only 'lift the fog' as I am able to handle what I can see. It reminds me of one of my favorite scriptures, 1 Corinthians 13:12.
"For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." God fully knows. God fully knows! I cannot completely wrap my brain around that, but I can rest in that. I can trust that one day, I will see it all as He saw it and planned it from the beginning. God is soooo cool!

I cannot say enough about the wonderful things I have been soaking in lately from the Empowered to Connect website. Although it can be messy stuff, it is so refreshing to find that there are others out there who have felt the same way I have been feeling. The following are some excerpts from a blog post that rang so true to me!

"When Russ and I embarked on our adoption journey, we did it with some sense of confidence. We were experienced parents with seven children who seemed to be thriving under our care. We wanted to serve God and, since we were in the thick of raising children, it made sense to expand our parenting to include children who needed families. Besides, we really, really loved kids and it brought joy to our hearts to consider adding more to our family.
At that time, I had been a mother for nineteen years. It was long enough to have made loads of mistakes, but to have overcome many obstacles as well. I was nowhere near being a perfect mother, but I was a “good mom” and I felt pretty confident that my skills, my desire to live for Christ, and my heart for children would carry me through any challenges that would come our way.
Before we even arrived home from Ethiopia with our children, we knew that our lives had shifted in a dramatic way and that we were in for a struggle. Jesus is merciful, however, and we only saw the very tip of a large iceberg. We believe He gave us all that we could bear to know at the time out of His love for us and for our children.
As the months passed and we struggled to parent our children, our belief in ourselves as “good parents” began to fade. Should we press on with the parenting techniques that had served us well for so many years? In the face of so many challenges, which problems should we focus on first? Was it okay to let behaviors that had never been allowed in our home to be accepted now? Should we read more books on adoption? Should we call somebody? Should we keep quiet and hope that nobody would notice that we were falling apart? What should we do?
We didn’t know the answers, but one thing we did know: we were no longer the parents we used to be and as all of our children struggled, we no longer felt like “good parents” at all.
As we travel the long and winding road of healing, I’ve had to redefine what I believe a “good mom” is. I accept that because I fiercely love all of my children, I must parent them differently. Some things I once held as my standard of “good mothering” no longer fit. I grieve these losses, I really do, and I miss the simple days when I thought I knew what it took to be a good mom.
I now have the privilege of knowing many “good moms” who have been reshaped by their experiences of parenting When we adopted our four children, we knew it would be challenging, but we were confident in our ability to help these new little ones. We had years of parenting experience under our belts, and for heaven’s sake, I even had a degree in Psychology from a Christian university. Surely we could handle anything that came our way. We were wrong.
If you find that life with children from 'hard places' has become more than you can bear, I urge you to get help. Don’t wait as long as we did; seek help early. I can say with conviction that it is worth it — it is absolutely worth it.
As Christians we are called to love others, even the very unlovely. Jesus told us that we must lay down our lives to follow Him and if He has called us to the ministry of adoption, then we must lay down our lives for the sake of our children. We must be willing to follow His leading as we seek help for our children even if it comes at a high price to us."

Lisa Qualls, who wrote this post, has been married to her husband Russ for over 26 years. They have 11 children who came to them by both birth and adoption. She earnestly believes in the power of God to heal children’s broken hearts and is privileged to participate in the process with her own children. Lisa writes about her life and family for Empowered to Connect (www.empoweredtoconnect.org) and on her blog, A Bushel and A Peck (www.onethankfulmom.com).


Wow! Even as I read it again, I can't believe how true all of this is for me too! That gives me hope; hope in knowing that just because I am not the same mom does not mean that God cannot still equip me to be a good mom! He called us to this, and He will equip us. I first must stomp on some pride, and admit that what worked before will not necessarily work now. It is also hard on my pride when I have to seek help from others who are parenting children from 'hard places' much more gracefully than I am. Thankfully, however, God has provided me with an incredible support group, and I am only strong when I admit my weaknesses and lean into Him and His provision. Another pride battle comes when I am faced with well intentioned advice from those who don't believe my adopted child should be struggling when she now has such a good life. I used to believe this myself. I used to want to discipline this stuff out of her. No one else could change my mind, and I will not be able to change their minds. And so I must learn how to most gracefully handle and connect with my precious girl, even when she is acting in a less than precious manner. I must learn to parent for an audience of One. I must learn to parent the way He parents me--for my best and to bring Him glory!

Long Time, No Post

It has been way too long, a ridiculously long break since I last posted. We are still here! I have started to post many times, but two things have stopped me. The first, and more trivial reason, I don't love the way my blog looks. I am not extremely computer/technically efficient. I could figure out how to make everything all cute and inviting, but I have not found the motivation. No motivation to beautify blog=No motivation to post on blog. The second, and real underlying reason, is that I have been overwhelmed! I hate to share that in public. I NEVER EVER want to give adoption a bad name, and so I have just chosen to share nothing.

I will begin by saying loud and clear so no one will get the wrong idea--I DO NOT REGRET ANYTHING!!!! Please never assume that a rocky road is one that I would avoid. We love Kami to pieces. She holds the same place in our hearts as Mallory and Collin. We would not change a thing. There is my disclaimer; now I feel like I can explain my overwhelmed state.

Kamise has transitioned very well. She has picked up on the language so well it is ridiculous. I really think she may be a genius, no really,and not just because I am her mom. Kami, Collin, and Mallory have adjusted like any normal siblings, with lots of love and a big dose of sibling rivalry and frustration. John and I have remained stumped on many levels... all of our awesome parenting strategies and wisdom (tongue in cheek) are not as successful in parenting Kamise as they were in parenting our older two.

It has just been a long year, and we are realizing that despite the easy initial transition, that Kami is having some attachment/trauma related issues afterall. This is in addition to me having severe back pain this year, John getting a new job, and Mallory hitting the tween years at full force. Goodness, I sound like I am complaining. Hear my heart, I am not...just being real and transparent.

I have included our celebration video in order to do just that--to celebrate. For all the tears and frustration, there have been double blessings and laughter. My mom is certain that I have added years to my life this year since laughter is healthy. We have certainly had our share of wonder and laughter as we have become a family of five!

Those are all of my words for now. I plan to be better about posting and to continue being transparent about our ups and downs...I just need to process and be able to give my thoughts and emotions the appropriate and adequate expression.

We are still here!

It has been too long, I know. My how much busier life is with a two year old! I woulnd't have it any other way. Miss Kami is continuing to blow us away with her larger than life personality! She is talking so much and putting together three and four word sentences. It is crazy how fast she learns! She is a very observant little one. She studies details of things. She is quite the helper too! Her favorite chore to help me with is laundry. She identifies each piece of clothing that passes from the washer to the dryer by naming its owner! One of her favorite new activities is cheering for her brother and sister at their soccer games. She is such perfect for the McKibben family! I know I keep saying it, but I still stand in amazement of it all! We serve such an amazing God!

I have to admit that I kept holding on tight, waiting for the bump in the road. It hasn't come. I am not saying there won't be bumps. I am not saying this is true for everyone's adoption story. I am not saying this will be true if God calls us to adopt again. I am just saying, "Thank You, Lord Jesus!!!!"

Okay, so there might be two tiny little bumps, maybe just rocks in the road. Haircare and two year old temper tantrums. I have become obsessed with googling African hair care and hair care products for kinky hair. I spend lots of time moisturizing and combing out knots...she only has about half an inch of hair on her head, but it is growing. I am getting to know her hair and anticipating our first puff ball on the top of her head! :) The tantrums have been part of our adventure from day one. First, we were in Ethiopia, and she didn't even know us, so I didn't really discipline her. Then we came home, and I'll just admit it, she is too darn cute. It is hard to discipline her, especially with a straight face. We moved from little to no discipline to counting to three in order to prompt her to follow a command. This cute little girl can just dig in her heels and refuse, landing herself in some time outs. As I mentioned earlier though, she is one smart cookie. Her latest tactic is to wait until I reach 'three' and get up from my comfortable position, then she will obey. John's grandmother captured it best when she said, "She has to see the devil coming before she will obey." So I have upped the ante...if I get to three with no obedience, she has to go to time out. Last night was our first night on 'crack down'. There was lots of crying and tears in our house last night. :)

Oh, how we love our Kami Jane!

I love....

A friend asked me the other day, "What does she do that you love the most? -Something that just melts your heart?"

Where do I begin?

I love that she just sat perfectly still with labored, concentrated breathing as I painted her fingernails and toenails.

I love to hear her say "Mommy", still with her cute little accent.

I love that she chants Collin's name over and over. Her 'l' sound is sooo cute!

I love that she calls Mallory "Sissy".

I love how she lights up and grins from ear to ear everytime her daddy enters the room, and she says, "Hi, Daddy."

I love that she will give us unsolicited kisses, sweet juicy kisses that she plants on both cheeks and then sometimes follows with one on the forehead.

I love the way she puts her arms around my neck and plays with my hair.

I love the way she snuggles in to me as close as she can get when going to sleep.

I love to watch her walk on her tip toes...a new trick.

I love that she loves shoes and clothes and bows.

I love the way she says no, using her new Kentucky accent and sign language.

I love to watch her eat.

I love how her eyelashes curl.

I love that her skin feels like velvet!

I love how she busts a move whenever she hears my musical ringtone.

I love to hear her say "Halelujah" and "Jesus"

I love the way her coarse curls feel against my lips when we are snuggling.

I love the way she giggles when she toots!

I love the way she loves other kids.

I love to hear her say her name.

I love to watch her in the water, even though she scares me half to death with her lack of fear.

I love to hear her talk and sing in her native language, even though I have no idea what she is saying.

I love the way she takes off her shoes before she climbs on furniture, any furniture--even at the doctor's office.

I love the way she commands an audience everywhere we go, because it gives me a chance to encouarage others to adopt.

I LOVE HER! I LOVE HER! I LOVER HER!

I love how loving her, once an orphan, reminds me of My Father's love for me, once an orphan.

Seventeen Days Ago

What a whirlwind the 17 days have been. I am going to attmept to provide a recap of all that has happened...hold on tight!



On June 14,at 7am, we left Lexington's airport and began our own amazing race! After layovers in DC and then at JFK, we were supposed to get to Cairo, Egypt for our 11 hour layover which would allow us to tour the pyramids. Well, things didn't go exactly as planned. Our flight was delayed over 3 hours, and by the time we arrived in Cairo, got our visas and met up with the tour guide, the gates were closing at the pyramids. We managed to squeeze in some adventure still. Our tour guide took us through the Egyptian museum, which was very neat. Then we stopped at a pharmacy for some meds. I was feeling quite under the weather with sinus issues...no problem....a zpac for only $10 and no prescription was just what the doctor didn't have to order! Our next stop was quite the comedy of errors. We were taken to a perfumery--a place where they mix essential oils. John and I, being the goofy tourists that we are, had somehow missed her explanation of this stop. We thought we were at a restaurant, at first. Well, they began to show us all these oils and rub them on each of our fingers. We are just having a good time, drinking our free colas and sniffing away. Finally, it all starts to make sense as we are presented with an array of gift packages and price points. Yes, we are suckers and did come home with some lovely essential oils! Then we raced off to look at the pyramids from outside the gate. Luckily, there was a camel there and some very nice gentlemen who took our camera and took pictures of us for a nice tip! Finally, we stopped for some Egyptian food--some tasty sandwiches, then back to the airport...only 4 hours from Addis Ababa!





Before we left our house, I told John, "Just get me to Ethiopia, and then I will know what to do." True to my word, I managed to get us through the VISA line, to the baggage claim, and then to meet our driver who had to come out at 4 am to get us! By 5 am, we were snuggled in on our box springs at the guest house listening to the morning call to prayer! After a few short hours of sleep, we were off to get our baby girl!

While it was not a shock for me this trip, it is still sobering to see the poverty everywhere you turn as you drive through the city. We really have no idea here in the US what being poor is! Even the poor here are rich compared to the poor in Ethiopia. Our money does not bring us peace or joy, because you can see more of that on the impoverished streets of Ethiopia than in most places here in the USA.

I digress...

Being back at the transition house was very surreal! We went upstairs to the room where Kamise stayed. It was obvious that her sweet caregiver had prepared her for us. She was sqeaky clean and all dressed up to meet us. My first thought as I saw her again was a little bit of shock at how small she is. I am not sure how or why, but I was convinced she would be bigger. Actually, I do know why, her personality is bigger than life, so I believe this gives the illusion of her being a much bigger child. Kamise was very loved and doted on by all of the nannies at the transition house. I cannot begin to express enough gratitude and appreciation for what they do! What heroes they are, to love and train these children, and then to let them go to their forever families. It must be emotionally draining. I would expect them to keep themselves detached, but they don't at all. I LOVE THESE WOMEN!!!! After a couple of hours, we departed the transition house with our sweet, scared little girl. She fell asleep in the car on the way back to the guest house. She was really somber and quiet when she awoke. I cannot imagine how scared and confused she must have felt when she awoke in this new place away from everything that is familiar. By bedtime, she has shared some smiles with us though.

On Thursday, June 17, we went to the US Embassy for our appointment. All went well, and I shed my first tears as the US official congratulated us on our new daughter. (I know you all must be surprised that my first tears weren't shed until now...I told you it was all surreal.) We finished our day by celebrating with the other families at a traditional Ethiopian restaurant. Kamise loved it. She ate her weight in food, dancing and charming her way through the whole meal!

On Friday, the honeymoon came to an end. I don't even know how to explain the chain of events, but I ended up sitting on the sidewalk crying, being comforted by the doorman at the Hilton of Ethiopia while Kamise is throwing the temper tantrum of all tantrums, and John is rightfully panicking about the upcoming 30 hour plane ride home. As the doorman explained to me, "The mind is a powerful thing. Give her space." This worked after what seemed like an eternity. My cute baby girl was covered in grit and grime from the parking lot where she threw her fit, but she was back...well pretty much. It was so heartbreaking to watch her grieve and not be able to fix it.

Saturday was our last official day since our flight left at 4 am on Sunday, June 20th. We ventured away from the guesthouse and to a mall and supermarket for some delicious lasagna, some Ethiopian coffee to take home, and a few more souveniers.

Our trip home was exhausting to say the least. At the airport in Addis, Kamise was one unhappy camper. I know she must have been scared and still grieving. She screamed and cried and screamed and cried as we waited to board the plane...not a pretty sight for people who are boarding a plane at 4 am. It was very trying and difficult, and unfortunately, we were the only adoptive family around, so it felt very lonely. With each of our next 3 flights, things got a little better. I think she was able to relax and realize we weren't going to leave her--you could see her trust increasing. At one point, I think on our 3rd flight, she looked at John and I smiling. She turned our heads toward one another and made a kissing noise. She wanted us to kiss, and after we gave each other a peck, she planted her own big sloppy kisses on our cheeks. It was a precious, precious moment! I won't go into details about our JFK fiasco, but just know that a 3 hour layover is NOT enough to get through immigration, customs, and to your gate. I ran like I have never (nor ever) run again! I think the poor stewardess thought I was going to drop dead as we entered the plane after being whisked there on a bus! Who knew two red faced, sweaty, smelly white travellers with a black baby could get such service!

Our arrival home was magical, though! Despite the late hour, we had a great turnout of family and friends to welcome Kamise home. She did remarkably well. It is a sweet memory that I will always chrerish...a moment I had daydreamed about many many times...coming down the escalators with a baby in my arms. Thank you, Lord!!!

I will have to continue at another time about our days since we have been home. It has been a wonderful transition. A friend and I were talking the other day about how surprisingly smooth the transition has been. My friend stopped to say that we shouldn't be surprised because these moments have been covered in prayer. What a sweet reminder! And so it is like it has been with each of our kids, we look up one day and wonder, "What did we ever do without her?"

Home sweet Home

I feel like I could write a book, but my brain needs to catch up and process through the last week's events. We are home after a whirlwind trip. Kamise could not be more perfect! I don't even know where to begin... People stop and notice her everywhere, several commenting on how "clever" she is! She is fast asleep still. It was so fun watching her open her closet last night and play with her toys and love on her brother and sister. We were blown away to have a big crowd at the airport to welcome us home--even at 11:30 pm! She was a sure crowd pleaser! I will begin processing all and posting more about our trip and more pics of our special miracle! I thank the Lord who brought us home safely and is bonding us together!

mani or pedi?

My fabulous childhood friends are hosting a fun event this weekend in Bowling Green. We are having a mani/pedi party, and all proceeds go to help bring our beautiful baby girl home. It is going to be so fun!

I met my neighbor's boys from Ethiopia. They just got home this week. It will be so cool to see how they all react when they see each other in the US!!! Only God could arrange for them to be roomates in Addis and neighbors in Nicholasville! They seem to be doing very well!!!! What a blessing that they will all grow up together!

We are ready to get our girl!!!! God is GOOD!!!!